Our textbook is my friend...

Yes, I know I'm strange. However, there have been many strange instances where I have discovered some needed wisdom on the pages of our loathed learning material. The majority have simply been reminders to get a grip on my life and quit being so stupid about stuff. I have been reminded not to expect so much of others (and of myself), and to sometimes expect a little more, I have learned that love is a work in progress (as the wise John Armstrong said in his book Conditions of Love: The Philosophy of Intimacy, 'All loving relationships must accommodate some degree of incompatability.'), I have learned that I am in denial about myself and my life's direction, I have been reminded that I must take responsibility for my own actions or end up getting screwed over... I have re-learned a great number of things. Yes, this book is my friend.

Most of all, I think I have learned that I am self-centered, and that has got to stop. I am far too concerned with my own well-being, and my relationships with others are sorely suffering because of this. Someone once told me that if I live my life for others, I will have lived more than I ever could have on my own, because my life would have been tied to so many other lives. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten that. I have shut myself off for the most part from others, and those I am still tied too, I have realized that the majority of my relationship with them is only there to make me happy. I have forgotten the world, and so I have lost myself. I need to learn to forget myself again, and remember how to love others. Not that I am incapable of love right now, I'm just not allowing myself to love as much as I can, because I have become too focused on myself instead of on those who I love.

A friend told me tonight that I need to just take a break, get away from it all, all the work and all my issues and all my relationships, and just forget the world for the day and deal with my stress. At the time I nearly cried and told her I couldn't because that would just put me another day behind. Now that I've thought about it a little more, and with a little proding help from our book, I have realized that I can't do that for another reason. I can't stop living my life because I can't stop loving people. I can't just stop existing: I am close enough as it is. If I give up, even for a day... over the edge I will go. I can't let that happen. I have to learn to live and love again, the way I'm supposed to, the way I used to be able to, before I lost sight of those I love because I was too concerned with myself. I have to get my priorities back where they belong before I can find some serenity, and maybe a little sanity too (although I don't want too much of that second one, it would take all the fun out of life).